Sandy Phillips Kirkham - Author Let Me Prey Upon You - A Candid Conversation Everyone Should Read Especially Clergy

Just a bit of fair warning before I introduce my guest, the subject matter in this edition of Candid Conversations may be somewhat disturbing to those reading. I will put some links below to resources you can access to help you deal with this topic.

I have to say my experience with the church, Anglican and Pentecostal was pretty good. I had interactions with clergy as a teen and had no problems at all. For the vast majority of people this is the case. Unfortunately this is not always the case. Thousands of young girls and boys have been abused by clergy. Canada is now facing the horrific history of it's role in attempting to completely wipe out indigenous culture via the residential school system, mostly run by churches. Even in evangelical circles there are tales of abuse that are just mind boggling. Thankfully people like my guest do speak out and shed light on the issue.

At age 16 Sandy Phillips Kirkham put her trust in a clergyman who then took advantage of that and for several years sexually assaulted her, she was able to confront the person responsible and has written a book called Let Me Prey Upon You. The book documents the story. Today Sandy advocates for victims of abuse by clergy, and is a keynote speaker.

Sandy thanks for jumping in to do a Candid Conversation.

Sandy K.: Thank you for this opportunity

Cliff T.: One of the things I noticed is that you have a certificate from the Faith Trust Institute. Can you explain what that organization does?

Sandy K.: Founded by Marie Fortune, they provide a wide range of resources, services and training for victim advocates as well as boundary training for clergy to address clergy abuse. I would highly recommend her book “Is Nothing Sacred”

Cliff T.: Now I know that you advocate for victims, do you also engage with clergy and if so how?

Sandy K.: I have spoken at Cincinnati Christian University to the seminary students studying to be ministers and pastors to give them a victim’s perspective and the damage done when a pastor crosses the boundaries of his/her ministry. I work with a ministry called, The Hope of Survivors, which helps women who have been sexually abused by their pastors but also has a pastor division to help educate and prevent future abuses. I have also had the opportunity to work with churches as they develop policy around this issue.

Cliff T.: If I can use this cliche, You have taken something that is negative in your life and turned into a positive. That must of have been really challenging?

Sandy K.: It was a challenge. I was angry and sad for what he did to me and what he took from me. I wanted justice . I was frustrated by the response of church leadership, not only to my experience, but to their response to other victims as well. After realizing my own abuser would remain in ministry in spite of my many efforts to have him removed, I had to figure out a way to let go of the anger and accept an outcome I could not change. So what could I do? I could tell my story to help other victims and to hopefully help educate others to prevent further abuse in our faith communities. I didn’t plan to take this path, but it was the path I found myself on. I began to understand my story was powerful and could have an impact.

Cliff T.: The book Let Me Prey Upon You, very interesting title by the way, highlights your your not so great encounter with a minister. Sandy what do you hope readers get out of reading the book? And what was it like for you to write the book, how did it affect you?

Sandy K.: I hope my story conveys the damage done to one’s spiritual life. It wasn’t just what he did to me, but who he was when he did it, my pastor. His actions against me contaminated and tainted every aspect of my spiritual life. The effects of sexual abuse are lifelong.

I also hope through telling my story I can demonstrate how these perpetrators work and the tools and techniques they use to pull their victims in. It’s important to understand the terms grooming, love bombing, gaslighting, and manipulation.

Cliff T.: This book is powerful, the title as I mentioned and the picture of the wolf and lamb are very symbolic in the church. The wolf being the devil and the lamb God's children that is very very significant imagery, what were you intending to say with those images?

Sandy K.:: The shepherd of the sheep is not a shepherd, but a wolf in sheep’s clothing looking to prey upon one of God’s children. The wolf is looking for the weaker trusting lamb.

Matthew 7:15 “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravishing wolves.”

Cliff T.: What make clergy abuse different from other forms of sexual abuse?

Sandy K.: Any abuse is horrific, but when that abuse occurs in the church or under the guise of a spiritual leader, it touches a very sacred part of our soul. These men, sometimes women, will twist scripture to justify their actions. They prey upon our trust in them as one was called by God. It leaves us with a deep disconnect from God. For most people church is a place of renewal of healing and a place to connect to others through our shared rituals such as communion, prayer and song. For victims of clergy abuse it becomes a place of conflict and pain. They have robbed us of our joy and love for the church.

Cliff T.: How are churches failing in dealing with clergy abuse? What are they doing right?

Sandy K: Remove errant pastors. No discussion. They fail by seeing the sexual abuse as a moral issue only. They respond with the teachings of “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God”. Judge lest not ye be judged” and “God forgives so we should forgive” The perpetrator asks for forgiveness and the church somehow feels obligated to give them a second chance. A second chance at ministry is a second chance to reoffend. The goal of restoring a pastor who has committed sexual misconduct should be to restore them back to Christ, not back to his job. You can forgive him but by his own actions he has lost the privilege of ministry. Removing them and refusing to rehire them is not refusing grace or forgiveness. It is simply acknowledging they are not fit for ministry.

It is not just a moral fall, it is a professional violation. He has broken the vows of his ordination and his commitment to God. Any time a person agrees to help another whether it is a teacher, counselor or physician, he or she takes on the responsibility to maintain the proper boundaries and when they fail, they lose their license.

And finally church leadership needs to stop referring to sexual misconduct as falling into sin or a moral fall or a sin of the heart. It is sexual misconduct. Any other term sanitizes it and diminishes the act.

I think churches are taking steps to protect their members . Policies are being written and reinforced. Where once the topic was never discussed it is now front and center. Churches are also taking steps to train their clergy on boundaries and how not only protect those they are serving but they themselves.

Cliff T.: Sandy what has the reaction to the book been like for you and how is the church itself reacting to it?

Sandy K.: The reaction from victims has been overwhelmingly heartfelt. So many have told me how my story was so similar to their own and thanked me for being a voice for them. I have often thought over the years how my own experience would have been different if I had heard someone's story of abuse at the time my own abuse was occurring. Would it have given me the courage to break away from my abuser? Would it have given me the courage to tell someone? Would I know I was not alone?

Most church elders and leaders are receptive but many have difficulty with removing abusive clergy permanently. Again, I think for all the reasons I mentioned above, but also because it is difficult to discipline one of your own. They also fear the reputation of the church being hurt by exposing an abuser. It’s not the abuser that will hurt the church but the cover up and the failure to support the victim that does the damage. I do see a shift in churches recognizing this is an issue they can no longer sweep under the rug. Several pastors have said by reading my book they have a greater understanding of the damage done to a victim.

Cliff T.: Obviously the book and the current work you do is having an impact. Before closing here I would like to ask this crucial question What should parishioners, board members and other clergy look for when it comes to dealing with sexual misconduct?

Sandy K.: First trust your gut. So often people will see something that doesn’t seem right but because it is the pastor, priest or rabbi they dismiss it. If it is not behavior you would find appropriate with another adult don’t ignore it because it’s the pastor.

Watch for signs that the pastor is paying extra attention to one individual

Be protective of the vulnerable ones. Abusers look for those in crisis, low self-esteem or someone who is emotionally compromised.

Cliff T.: Sandy, thanks so much for doing a Canddi Conversation. I really appreciate the time you took to discuss the book and your work.

Sandy Phillips Kirkham, author, speaker and advocate. Her work revolves around advocacy for victims of abuse by clergy and Sandy has earned a certificate of completion from the Faith Trust Institute entitled, “A Sacred Trust: Boundary Issues for Clergy and Spiritual Teachers.” She is a public speaker and has worked with officials in the church to combat abuse by clergy. Sandy wrote to us from Ohio. You can visit her site on the web at https://sandyphillipskirkham.com/ and you can find the book, Let Me Prey Upon You on Amazon via the app or the web.

Now here are some resources you can connect with.

In Canada, Kids Help Phone https://kidshelpphone.ca/ and at 800 688 6868 Text 686868.

Ending Violence Association of Canada has a list of resources you can connect with. Go to the site by clicking here.

SNAP an organization that spans the globe and gives voice to victims of abuse by priests.

Cliff T.